There is something that I have
seemed to have been struggling
with my whole life. Wait I don’t like
that sentence. There is a struggle
within myself that I have some to realize about myself that I don’t want
to put
up with anymore. Nope don’t like that
either. I seem to have realized over the
past year or so that I struggle with a particular flaw that is in me.
That was the worst sentence I have ever typed. I have acquired the
understanding that I am
dealing with a flaw in me that is not good.
What, do you suck at writing?!?! There is this thing within me that I
notice that causes me a lot of pain and anguish. Gosh! Seriously!
Somewhere the inventors of sentence
structure are vomiting in their grave at your attempt to write a
sentence. Ok, I admit it I struggle a lot in a
particular area in life. I mean
seriously bro, it’s called writing have you ever heard of it, you know
what you
might as well just give up because there is no way that you can write
this at
all well.
Ok, here goes, I, Ryan Anthony Romano, am a perfectionist
(After saying that I hear the room resound in a dull roar “Hi Ryan”). However, I have come to realize that I am the
worst kind of perfectionist. I am one of
the highest order. Invoking Paul, I am
the chief of perfectionists. I am one
that is a paralyzing perfectionist that finds its release in
procrastination. Allow me for a minute
to unpack what I mean by this. I have
this inner desire to do/be the best at everything that I do. Let me be perfectly clear, this is a very
good thing that I desire. There is within
every one of us the desire to do something well and that a good thing. However, where it is damaging for me is when
in renders itself in the fact that I know that when I do something I know that
I will not be 100% in not only the completion but even in the process as well I
give up. So, one of two things happens
for me in this struggle and these two feed on each other. I think about my task and I realize the
process that it is going to take to complete the task and I get
overwhelmed. Why? because even in the
process of the task I am not going to do it well. So, the task usually gets put off until I can
do it better. However, this is not good because
I have wasted much of the time that is needed to do the task on worrying that I
am not going to do this well. As a
result of this my allocation of time to complete this task has severely decreased
and then as a self-fulfilling prophecy I end up doing a (pardon the expression)
half-assed job.
However, I have come to realize that this just doesn’t make
itself manifest in tasks but in other areas of life as well and in these areas
it is very damaging. Sure I have good
intentions most if not all of the time but as the old cliché goes the road to
hell is paved with good intentions ( I normally HATE this expression but in
this case I feel it is a good proxy for what is going on). So, allow me for a second to dive into areas
of my life and expose how this is realized in each. Some are current and others are foreseeable
roles that I am in or will be
Student – I think that I need to have PHD level smartness
already. I think to myself that I am not
smart enough and that there are concepts that are just too hard. Instead of taking an active humble approach
and saying I don’t get this but I am going to try with all my might to
understand this. I, instead, employ a
pridefull passive approach and think that maybe latter I will understand this.
(insert sarcasm) yeah because that is precisely how this works (end
sarcasm). However at this later day the
work that I end up doing is not to the standards that it should be. I cannot count the number of assignments that
I have done that have been turned in and not done well because of this, thus me
and my professor not being satisfied with
the work that I am doing.
Friend – I feel like I have let a lot of people down because
I have not as, Pastor Mark Janke at FSC has drummed into my head like an
eastern mantra, “Just Shown Up”. It’s not
that I don’t love each and every one of my friends. I just feel like I will let everyone down if
I am not giving it my all and my pride says if you can’t be there 100% then don’t
be there at all. I see that there are so
many struggles that people are having and if there was just someone to be there
for them then everything would be better.
I know that there are a lot of people who have said that they just wanted
someone to be there for them. So I
interpret this as I need to be there for them all the time. So once again if I cannot be there 100% then
why even try.
Brother/Son – Mom, Dad, Matt and Allison. I feel like there are times in which you guys
have all in your certain areas have been there for me in ways that I cannot
begin to even thank you for. However, I
feel like I have not been there for you guys as I have needed to be. I know that we have been through a lot over
the past two-years but in my pride of not being able to give it 100% I have at
times pulled back. I know that you guys would tell me otherwise but there is
something that is within me that feels like there is more that I could have
done.
Pastor – As some of you know I have the burning desire to be
a pastor someday and want so badly to lead a flock. I have seen the future and realize that when
it comes to doing what I want to do I am going to be struggling with this area. The ways that I see this being manifested is
in two areas. I will go with preaching
and pastoral care. I just have to face
it right now that there are going to be some sermons that I am going to preach
that will be not good and that the Lord even works in terrible sermons. Also this is going to happen in pastoral care
because of the fact that I am going to be pulled in a number of different areas
that I am not going to be able to give 100% to.
If this pattern continues this will lead me to retreat and do much
damage to the flock in which God will entrust me to.
Father – I know that this will impact me in the future if I
the Lord blesses me with having kids. I
have heard stories in the past couple of month of fathers who were absent. I can see this happening if current trends
continue. My absence will not be because
of the fact that I do not love them but because of that very fact. I will love them so much that I will wish
that they had a better father who loved them and took care of them more than I
do.
Husband – Much in the same way that the kids are going to be
if trends continue. I feel like I will
not be a good husband because of my lack of love but because I will not be able
to love her perfectly
Child of God – I will admit right now. I do not pray as much as I should. I don’t read my Bible as much as I
should. I do not do much of the things
that I should be doing as well as I should.
Worst off I do not do it perfectly as I should. So in my lack of ability I pull back because
at the end of the day I don’t want to disappoint God because He deserves much
better than I can give.
So, the question that I ask myself is what is really going
on. Often times the issue is not really
the issue. In the tangled mess known as
sin there is often a deeper one that is the real cause. I want to take the very last thing that I
said in the previous role (ie child of God) and say that is what is at the root
of my paralyzing perfectionism. The last
thing that I said was “I don’t want to disappoint God because He deserves much
better than I can give” This is the case
with all the roles that I fill in my life.
My studies, friends, family (current/future), flock, and God deserve
much more then I can give. To show my
hand right now is that the root of all this sin in my life is that I have a major
messiah complex that wants to be the hero for everything. It is precisely in the overwhelming desire to
be the hero that I in actuality become the villain because there is actually
only one true Hero and that would be Jesus.
My “sacrifice” leads to damnation but His sacrifice leads to eternal
life and freedom.
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